Category Archives: humor

+++++If ballers and rockers can have groupies, then why can’t teachers?  How cool would it be to be a rock n roll professor, famous like The Beatles, women tearing at the patches on my elbows, pulling at me, clamoring for my chalk as I walk to the board.  I could have a rider list demanding chilled sparkling water for my lectures on proper documentation, hand-bottled by the Dean of Academic Affairs.
+++++The whole world would flip out.  Rappers would rhyme about MLA style instead of doggystyle.  Basketball players would be laughed at for being so goddam tall and lanky.  Their careers would be mocked, grown men chasing after a ball and trying to throw it though a hoop, and their salaries would plummet forcing them to drive old Corollas to the stadium while I push 22 inch chrome wheels on my podium.
+++++Little kids would sit cross-legged in their driveways, scribbling in blue books on their laps, yelling, “Three, two, one…,” just barely getting that 500^thword on their midterm before the buzzer, jumping up and throwing their #2 pencils to the ground, hollering and high-fiving their friends.
+++++After proving to a student that the dictionary is descriptive – and not prescriptive – my staff of TAs would run in and dump a bucket of Gatorade all over me, and in my post-class press conferences, still sticky from energy-drink residue, I’d mock reporters for asking stupid questions like, “So how did it feel when you saw that look of understanding on his face…”
+++++Nike would sign me for an orthopedic shoe deal, and Spike Lee would be begging to do a commercial with me.
+++++It would all be fantastic.  A realignment of things.  A new world order.
+++++Then I looked over at our dining room table, several stacks of ungraded essays waiting for me, looking like a small metropolis, a cityscape of denial, and, in the back of my head, all I could hear was a crowd cheering and Spike Lee’s voice saying to me, “It’s got to be the sensible shoes, Money.”